5 Seemingly Innocent Household Items That Are Trying to Destroy my Baby

When you are in the process of having your first baby, also known as expecting, you look at everything in a big picture sense because you have no frame of reference. When it comes to baby proofing the house, we all know the major items: electrical outlets, corners, disgustingly unclean floors (I’m looking at you, kitchen) – but there are so many other items that are the epitome of evil. Seemingly innocent household items that are actively trying to de-baby you. Here are 5 of them:

1. Dog Bowl

Water’s perfect, who’s ready for a dip?

While there are many things that you can prepare for yourself in the kitchen with a baby in one hand, there are some things that just require two (I’m looking at you, PB&J). When this happens, we normally put the baby on the floor and give him a toy that we hope will keep him quietly amused for a few seconds. We then hurry to complete the two-handed task and 99.47% of the time (give or take 0.53%), the little man has zipped over to the dog bowl and is within milliseconds of dipping his face into Peppy’s water bowl. I’ve faced him in the opposite direction and placed him as far away from the bowl as possible, but his determination and sheer baby-will trumps me every time.

2. Floor Lamp

So much to do, should I nibble on the cord or try to stand up using this extremely shaky pole? Perhaps a combo?

Like most eight month olds, Popeye uses anything within his grasp to pull himself up so that he can practice his standing. Toys, tables, couches, chairs, legs and, perhaps most dangerously, floor lamps. A light breeze can make a floor lamp shimmy (I’m looking at you, Love Shack), so if the little guy attempted to pull up on the shaft, it would topple over pretty instantaneously. Add to that the probability of the light bulb shattering, and you have a recipe for a tattered toddler, a darkened room and a vacuum-busting pile of debris and tears.

3. Underneath Furniture

If this toy is here, it stands to reason that all the toys are also here. Baby logic is flawless.

A few years ago, we moved up from an apartment-quality couch to a relatively expensive sectional. When you spend a decent amount of money on furniture, you expect it to be constructed well and to hold up to everyday wear and tear. While this has been the case, even in quality products you can encounter some baby-destroying properties. For instance, the fabric has been affixed to the wood frame using staples and there are a few that either didn’t go in all the way, or have worked themselves out a little bit due to the time-honored act of couch-plopping. To a wee explorer, these sharp mini daggers are lying in wait for little hands to locate. Tragic treasures and future tears, just waiting to be found.

4. Aluminum Foil Box

Babies and barracudas have a lot in common: Attraction to shiny objects, biting anything that moves and knowing to never, ever wake them when they’re asleep.

Common sense tells us to keep knives and cleaning supplies away from babies, but it commonly forgets to lock down the drawer with the plastic wrap, parchment paper and that shiny baby-maimer known as aluminum foil. Most manufacturers put a serrated blade of some sort on the boxes as a courtesy to the intended users of the products (babies are most definitely not the intended users). The blade comes in very handy when you’re wrapping up leftovers, but is decidedly lethal if it comes in contact with tiny, uncoordinated baby hands.

5. Doggy Door

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!

The previous owners of our house must’ve had a little dog because they had a small doggy door installed in the back door. Luckily, our dog does not realize that she is a 60-plus pound beast and somehow, she is able to noisily wiggle in and out of it (34 times a day on average). While the door is a tight fit for the dog, that is not the case for little Popeye. He could literally topple through and be outside in seconds, a wee vagabond making his way in the world alone.