Due Date Schmoo Date

I’m usually a little late… I don’t have much of an excuse, I just have an easier time leaving at say 9 instead of planning to arrive right at 9. Something about leaving at an odd time to arrive at an even time doesn’t sit well in my brain.

On the flip side of that are people who arrive super early. I’m not a fan. When Heather used to teach CPR, some people would show up 20-30 minutes early. Sometimes they’d sit in their car for a bit and other times they’d want to come in and get started. Since she was working nights at the time, this could be quite a hassle as she’d usually try to sleep as long as possible before teaching a class.

There were also a surprising number of people who would take the time to book a class and then not bother to show up or call. These are far worse than all the early arrivers and the late comers combined. These people are sucktards.

The point is, it’s no problem if you’re a little late, baby. In fact, it’s probably the fault of my paternal D.N.A.

The other big question these days, besides when you are coming, is what gender you are. Let’s check out some trusty old wives tales and see if we can Sherlock the shit out of this.

1. Does Your Belly Hang Low, Can you Drag it in the Snow?

This one is pretty simple and totally ignores the fact that how the woman carries is based on her build. Anyways, the tale states that if you’re carrying low then it’s a boy, if high, then it’s a girl. Heather said that she is carrying medium and I’m not sure what that means, so let’s give a half point to each! Boy: 0.5 / Girl 0.5

2. Sandpaper or Bunny Butt?

Another simple one: If you’re skin is dry then it’s a boy, soft means it’s a girl. Heather’s skin has been dry, as is most people’s skin in the winter (but we’ll ignore that tidbit of common sense), so that means a full point goes to boy. Boy: 1.5 / Girl 0.5

3. For my Heart Doth Race Whenever you are Nigh…

This is an odd one because the heart rate changes all the time (hearts tend to do that). Luckily for all those old bags and their ridiculous tales, I have been doing my due diligence and have been keeping copious notes. The average heartbeat has been over 140 beats per minute so according to this tale, a point to the ladies. Boy: 1.5 / Girl 1.5

4. Math is Always the Answer

As I’ve stated before, math is not my thing. This formula is pretty simple though, so I think that I can hang. What you do is add the age of the mother at conception (28) with the number of the month of conception (5) and if the answer is odd (33 is as odd as it gets) then another point goes to the gals. Boy: 1.5 / Girl 2.5

5. Can I Get Some Sugar on my Sugar?

Apparently if the mom-to-be craves sweets, then a girl is in your future. If this is the case then every kid we ever conceive is destined to be a female. What I’m trying to say here is that Heather always craves sweets. Boy: 1.5 / Girl 3.5

6. Did you Have the Yawn that Spawns?

Also known as bending and sending, driving the porcelain bus, the overweight burp, the liquid cough, the reverse drink or turning on the soup spout. Basically, if you had morning sickness then you can expect a girl. Heather did not, so a boy it shall be. Boy: 2.5 / Girl 3.5

7. Basketball or Watermelon?

Though I’ve seen many a watermelon shaped like a basketball, I’m going to assume they mean the elongated ones. Otherwise this would make even less sense. Basketball shape means a boy so a free throw for the fellas. Boy: 3.5 / Girl 3.5

Hmmmm, seven down and we are right back where we started…

Old wives tales are stupid, I give up. Let’s watch this fun video instead!

Thanks to Belly Belly for compiling these old wives tales in one place!