3 Things I Have Learned with a Two Month Old

Well, blow me down, Popeye is two months old!

When you have a baby, you enter this strange vortex where time flies except when he’s crying. At that point, it’s like the climatic ending of The Hudsucker Proxy – time literally freezes (umm, spoiler alert?).

There are other things that change as well once you’ve had your wee bundle for a wee while. Here are 3 things i have learned with a two month old:

1. You will sink to new comedic lows, just to make your baby laugh.

Whether I am right or wrong, I consider myself to have a pretty sophisticated sense of humor. I prefer George Carlin, Louis C.K. and Patton Oswalt to Jeff Dunham, Larry the Cable Guy and Carlos Mencia. While it is true that I have a sweet spot for poop references, I tend to prefer something more cerebral.

The problem here is that little babies do not have a sophisticated sense of humor – trust me, I’ve tried everything. Maybe they just don’t have the mental capacity to follow a long set up, perhaps they miss the subtle twists and play on words or maybe they’re just easily distracted. For example, just the other night we watched an episode of Portlandia together and he didn’t laugh once, though he did fart a few times (which made me laugh, per usual).

Seriously, dad, can you write just one post without a poop reference?

When a little baby starts to cry though, you will do ANYTHING to make him stop. This includes sticking out your tongue, performing grade school level slapstick and – worst of all – making Tim Allen grunt sounds. I hate to admit this in public, but if you happen by our house around 7:30 at night, you will think we are watching an old episode of Home Improvement (you will also get eaten by our dog, who is nothing like Wilson). It goes against everything that I believe in, but dammit, it makes him grin every time.

2. You will be awakened at sunrise, every single day.

Now I understand why babies don’t have jobs (it’s because they stink at Powerpoint, right?), but if they did, I believe that they would have a better appreciation for weekends. They would understand the joy, no the need, of sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays. Instead, they wake as soon as the sun peaks it’s intrusive rays through every little opening in the window treatments. They coo their cute little baby coos and grin their cute little baby grins. If you ignore their performance then the encore will surely grab your attention. That’s the point when they start crying.

So you get up and get the day started. After some standard baby maintenance (feeding, changing, Tim Allen’ing, etc.), you get your breakfast and a cup of coffee. Once the caffeine kicks in, you feel better than expected so you decide to play with the little tyke. Guess what? He’s enjoying his first of many naps.

See ya for elevenses sucka!

3. You begin to revert back to your childhood bedtime.

Remember when having to go to bed felt like a punishment and you went kicking and screaming? Or when you had to go to bed in the summer before it was dark? Ahhh, memories.

With a 2 month old baby, you either quickly learn to sleep when he sleeps – or you slowly wither away into a sleep-deprived, former shell of yourself. Junior going to bed at 8:30? Sounds great, let me hop into my pa-jams! The little man is going to nap all afternoon? I’m all in, where’s my favorite blankie? Of course, on the flip side of this is that the 6 to 8 hours of continuous sleep that you used to strive for is now a distant memory that you sometimes dream about during your one and a half hour naps.

Well, it’s approaching nap time so I’ll leave you with this video montage of a few seconds a day of Popeye’s first 2 months: