Eat, Poop, Love: One Baby’s Search for Everything

My last two and a half weeks have been awash in baby poop. People assure me that babies actually have organs and regular human interiors, but I am beginning to believe that everyone is wrong. Due to my studies thus far, I have estimated that babies are 8% pee, 11% puke and 81% poop. Of course, I need a proper research grant to verify and fine tune these numbers.

I await the forthcoming offers from all of the prestigious universities.

There’s a pretty good chance that I just pooped

On the bright side, I came up with a new party game that I’m calling Hot Pooptato (patent-pending so hands off, Parker Brothers). The rules are simple: Pass around the baby and whomever is holding the baby when he poops wins. The winner gets the honor of changing the baby’s diaper.

As a thoughtful and caring parent, I figured I’d try to be productive and plan ahead in case he never outgrows his poop tendencies. Since there’s a really good possibility that he will grow up to be a rapper, I came up with the top 10 rapper names that he could use:

10. Sir Poops-a-Lot
9. Busta Poop
8. 50 Poop(s)
7. Poop Daddy (or Diddy if you prefer)
6. Poop Cube
5. Poop Log (or Poop Loggy Log)
4. A$AP Poopy
3. Poop.I.Am
2. Wiz Khapoopa
1. Kanye West (his name is already synonymous with poop)

I love it when they call me Big Poopa

To make up for the fact that I write entirely too much about poop, here’s a sweet Kid President video where he welcomes newborns into the world and offers them advice: